I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
