those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
