Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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