She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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