Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
