Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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