Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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