I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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