I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
