Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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