All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
