Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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