the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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