Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
