"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
