I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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