My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
