If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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i don't want you to think of me as your TA
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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