We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
