i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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