I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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