I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
