How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
