Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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