Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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