how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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