never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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