she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
