I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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