i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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