Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
