I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
