I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
