bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
