I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
