I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
