My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
