i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
