Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
