i think my tv is drunk
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
