I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
