This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
