She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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