her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
this hospital has no fireball
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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