Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
