it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
