And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
cat food counts as protein by the way
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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