Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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