i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
