Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
