She said her name was "party"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
