Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
