Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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