I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
