$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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