Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
