I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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